when it comes to self-care: choose gratitude over guilt

“For those of you who struggle with guilt regarding self-care, answer this question: What greater gift can you give to those you love than your own wholeness?” Shannon Tanner, Worthy: The POWER of Wholeness 

The theme of gratitude in therapeutic spaces has been combed over like a suburban TJ Maxx. That said, I don’t know if enough focus has been given to the role of guilt. Our society gives a lot of mixed messages about self-care so it is no wonder we may feel some confusion and worry about taking good care of ourselves. Unfortunately, these messages often translate to an internal chatter, laced with judgment or dismissal. It’s selfish. No time. Or money. Or childcare. This “to do” list isn’t going to finish itself. Maybe tomorrow. Or next year. When opportunities for self-care arise or are carefully crafted, guilt may fire off a powerful memo telling us: You are taking too much.

If guilt is a gatekeeper for choosing spaces, places, people, and time for your own well-being, gratitude is the key.

Caregivers have an especially heavy burden. Their days are often filled with responsibilities, urgent needs, and demands that require ongoing effort. Learning how to take even a small moment of self-care, while prioritizing gratitude over guilt, can sustain well-being for the long term. Without it, the risk of emotional exhaustion and physical burnout becomes very real.  Self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary.

If Guilt is a common response when you take time for nourishing yourself or simply putting your needs first, you are not alone. Many people have a hard time giving themselves permission to relax or do pleasurable things. But bringing guilt into the realm of self-care is like carrying heavy rocks in your backpack. It doesn’t just weigh you down physically, it changes the experience entirely, tinting your perception so that even good moments feel undeserved or incomplete. 

Gratitude is a state of recognizing and acknowledging the positive. It might show up as appreciation, experiencing wonder and awe, and sometimes as joy. It is ultimately a confirmation of what is good or going well. Gratitude is a positive/safe emotion and is not automatic like our fear/protective thoughts and feelings. There is a biological reason for that! To survive, humans have adapted by learning to avoid what is dangerous or threatening. Dr. Rick Hanson called this The Negativity Bias. With a small amount of intention and effort, we can orient toward noticing beauty and thankfulness in any given moment. That choice to focus on what is right over what is wrong is the active practice of gratitude.

If you’ve read this far, you may be open to adopting the “choose-gratitude-over-guilt” concept for self-care, but may be wondering… how?

Ta-da! 5 tips for choosing GRATITUDE over GUILT for self-care

1) Change the language of self-care. Instead of framing self-care as “I deserve (or don’t deserve)  this,” try reframing it as “I am grateful for this.” This small change can move your mindset away from comparison toward appreciation and even humility, from judgement to curiosity.

2) Gratitude is a choice. If (or when) you notice any pangs of guilt around prioritizing your well-being, remember that this discomfort won’t magically disappear without your active involvement. Recall the concept of “The Negativity Bias” and gently turn your attention and actions toward Gratitude.

3) Bring guilt with you. You don’t need to feel guilt-free before taking care of yourself. Instead of waiting, bring the guilt along and act in ways that nourish you anyway. Take yourself out for a solo date, take a half-day off from work (even if you are self-employed, job searching, or don't have a paid job outside of the home), or hire a babysitter so you can rest or do something you enjoy. You might be surprised how quickly guilt quiets down when you move toward sustenance.

4) Claim what you need for your own well-being. Ask yourself: What do I need more of right now? Then consider: What’s one small step I can take to meet that need myself? Self-care becomes more meaningful and empowering when you actively claim responsibility for your well-being.  Saying “I’m grateful I can take this step for myself” reinforces gratitude while easing feelings of guilt. 

5) Practice gratitude outside of the realm of self-care too. "Glimmers” from Deb Dana is one wonderful practice for choosing gratitude in everyday moments. You might keep a gratitude journal (long form or bullet points) or adopt a mindful “savoring” practice to absorb positive feelings and experiences. By regularly priming yourself with a grateful orientation, you are more likely to respond with appreciation, and less guilt, when engaging in self-care.  

If these ideas resonate for you, consider trying one of these strategies. You might get specific and choose a set amount of time - a day, a week, a month, a year - to adopt a new gratitude practice or mindset shift. 

As always, please share your successes and challenges with self-care with me, especially around gratitude and guilt. What works for you? 

With Care,

Stefanie