when you don't know what you need

Photo by Elena Kloppenburg @elenakstudio

Recently, I was meeting with a client through telehealth. She seemed eager to share a particular challenge she was facing so we jumped right in.  After she finished explaining the contours of her predicament, she paused. This was one of those relational challenges without a clear path, the kind no pro/con list or brainstorming session could resolve. In moments like this, even when a "solution" technically exists, I try to support my clients by simply asking: What do you need?

The answer may not be realistic or immediately attainable, but the question itself often creates a shift. It invites the person sitting before me into a space of self-compassion and reflection, opening the door to consider, given the circumstances, their needs in this moment.

Clarity doesn’t always come on command, but often it emerges when it’s given room to breathe. During this session, the question fell a bit flat.

"What if I don't know what I need?" she replied.

There was honesty in her uncertainty. I emphasized that not knowing is a valid place to begin. Together, we reframed the 'not knowing' as an invitation to explore how could she begin to identify her needs. With her permission, I’m sharing some of the insights that emerged from that space.

When you don’t know what you need, here are some ideas you might try:

Start with self-love. Begin by turning toward yourself with gentleness. A moment of care and acknowledgment may be all you need.

Consider how you would respond to a friend. What would you say to someone you care about if they were in your situation? Often, we extend compassion more easily to others. That generosity can offer valuable insight into what you might need right now.

Crowdsource. Ask people who are in similar or adjacent situations.  Perhaps look for those people in your life stage, profession, community, or with shared experiences. What’s helping them right now? Where are they turning to for support or relief?

Let your imagination speak before you censor it. Allow your needs to be a little fantastical or unrealistic at first. There may be wisdom hiding underneath. “I need a vacation in Maui” might not be feasible…but maybe what you’re really craving is rest, space, or beauty. A more accessible version might be taking a mental health day, laying on a blanket in the park, and sipping lemonade while reading a book.

Trial and Error. Try something and pay attention to the impact. Does it help? Make things worse? Give you some new direction you hadn't considered? Even a small and thoughtful action can bring clarity. You might go for a walk outside only to notice what you really need is a nap. You might tear up during a movie and realize it feels good to cry. 

Through small steps, honest reflection, and asking for support, you can begin to find clarity when you don't know what you need.

With care,

Stefanie